Modesty: Dressing to kill or to heal?

It is becoming apparent that our society is retrogressing to the times of Adam and Eve “and they were both naked and were not ashamed” [Genesis 2:25] as wearing less is often paid tribute to and praised. Anyone who dares to bare it all is esteemed as being original, organic and a true representation of themself.  The more revealing an apparel is, the better chances of the wearer being viewed as hot, sexy, a fashion icon, bold or a trend-setter. Take Rihanna’s shocking embellished halter dress she wore at the CFDA Awards, which left nothing to imagination, for example. It received mixed feelings but fashion enthusiasts called it bold, sexy, hot and classic.

 

These days, it does not matter what you wear or how you wear it - as long as you look good and are confident in it then you have it right. The tighter it is the better. The shorter it is, the more comfortable. The skimpier it is, the hotter it looks. It is all about wearing what you can to ‘look good’ isn’t it? Well, unfortunately or rather fortunately God doesn’t think so. 1Timothy 2:9 pronounces, “Also I desire that women should adorn themselves modestly and appropriately and sensibly in seemly apparel…”  The Compact Oxford English dictionary defines modest as: not showing off the body - decent. Meaning that God’s desire for women is to dress in a manner that does not show off the body. Quite contradictory to popular dress consensus as popular dress consensus educates women to dress in a manner that accentuates their body features – the legs, hips, butt, boobies, figure, etc.

What usually lacks from the fashion-expose-memo is the emphasis that clothes have a language and a voice; they speak. They can either communicate a favourable or undesirable message about who you are. They do not necessarily define you but they create an impression. And as women after God’s heart, we need to understand that our clothes ought to express godliness. Godliness according to the Bible is dressing in apparel that is modest; that does not show off the body. In such mannerism, we honour our bodies and we honour God with our bodies as 1Corinthians 6: 19-20 commands. Honouring our bodies is not just a feel-good experience but a reflection of inmost self-respect which does not only echo within us but transcends to our brothers too. When it comes to men and how they view our dressing; we are usually defensive, justifying ourselves in the name of, “If I feel good in it then too bad!” “They should exercise self-control” “Why should I be restricted in what I want and feel like wearing just because of a man?” To an extent, one may be right - they have the freedom to Be.

Galatians 5:13 states, “For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom…” So we have that freedom in Christ but it continues to say, “Only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse [for selfishness]…” Do not let your freedom to dress in anything (since we live in a liberal society) be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse for selfishness. Let’s be honest now ladies, the reason we go out of our way to wear outfits that accentuate our figures, butt, thighs, legs, boobies is for the attention of our male counterparts. Deny it all you want but you know it’s true. It is the desire to feel wanted – vanity and pride; “Look at me now!” “Look at me now!” And when we evaluate this according to scripture, it is an incentive to the flesh. Women have used the power of visual presentation of self (knowing that men are visual) to lure men – as an opportunity for selfishness (to feel powerful, wanted and in control). Unfortunately all men whether saved or unsaved struggle resisting lustful thoughts and imaginations when it comes to immodest (revealing) dressing. An extract from a book I recently finished reading titled, “I kissed dating goodbye” by Joshua Harris (& Yes, I kissed dating goodbye) goes like this: “You may not realize this, but we guys most commonly struggle with our eyes. I think many girls are innocently unaware of the difficulty a guy has in remaining pure when looking at a girl who is dressed immodestly. Now, I don’t want to dictate your wardrobe, but honestly speaking, I would be blessed if girls considered more than fashion when shopping for clothes. Yes, guys are responsible for maintaining self-control, but you can help by refusing to wear clothing designed to attract attention to your body.” By the way, this is a saved guy speaking (just saying). So you know that it is not only ‘unsaved’ guys who struggle but saved ones too.

What are we to do then? Here are a couple of things to do:

1)         Be your brother’s keeper. If you were not aware that your dressing can cause a brother in the Lord to stumble, now you know. I like what 1Corinthians 8:13 says. It is talking about food but the deeper meaning connotes that whatever that one may be doing which could cause a brethren’s falling, one needs to stop it. I remember a guy once told me that he tried church once and never returned because when he got there, he couldn’t concentrate. The way the women were dressed was a distraction and he couldn’t bare it. You see how deep this is? Till today, the guy has never attempted going to church after that incident. Before you decide to wear that super tight skirt to that prayer meeting or your leggings with a small tight t-shirt (God forbid) to a youth gathering, think about your brother. Do not be the reason he stumbles and falls!

 

2)        Scan your outfits. Before you buy your clothes – that crop top or mini skirt with the matching shorts, think about whether they cover (obviously not) or expose your body. Any outfit, before you wear it; ask yourself whether it represents Christ and godliness. Is it modest? Remember 1Timothy 2:9 articulates that women should dress appropriately and sensibly.

 

3)        Refuse humiliation and exploitation. One thing that we need to understand is that more than being sexy and hot in skimpy clothing; we instead create an impression of low self-esteem as opposed to confidence, neediness, attention seeking and self-disrespect. It basically communicates an underlying message that you do not respect yourself, you do not esteem yourself as a woman and you are using men’s attention to fill a deeper void that lurks within. A woman who understands who she is and is aware of her beauty within does not need her legs or butt or boobs or hips to commend her beauty. Her personality and character will do that for her, because that is who she really is; not her clothes.

 

4)        Let your character and personality accentuate your inner beauty. 1Timothy 2:10 declares that women should adorn themselves with good deeds “deeds in themselves good and for the good and advantage of those contacted by them.” Build your beauty from inside out. And truth is, when you are beautiful inside, no matter how effortless (ordinary, simple) you may look on the outside; you will still be beautiful.

 

My dear sisters, let our dress sense be a representation of godliness. Let us honour our bodies, and honour the Lord with our bodies. Let us protect our brothers and not cause them to stumble by the way we dress. Let us dress to heal and not to kill.

Much love, be blessed.

Guard Your Heart.

In an attempt to shield themselves from the sting of heartbreak and vulnerability, guys are less willing to commit and make their intentions clear with every word, action or thought. They would rather hang on to the life-line of friendship, which has minimal expectations but offers almost the same comfort that a relationship does than to bravely plunge into the depths of the unknown - risking it all.

 

The infamous cycle comprises of: befriending of a number of girls with the intention of finding a

potential, getting to know them personally without any kind of commitment (disguised in friendship) and if there is one that stands out from all the other girls, likely to be ‘The One’ she is then pursued. One would probably think, “But there is nothing wrong with that, how else is a guy meant to find a woman to marry without knowing her first?” The problem with this approach is that 1) A girl is unaware that she is on the review list with a number of other girls, 2) A girl can get deceived in thinking that the friendship is being built on mutual feelings, yet the guy is randomly emotionally attached to other girl 'friends', 3) It is self-seeking as all the guy cares about is finding the right person no matter how many women he goes through and hurts in the process (unintentionally) and 4) It allows a guy to enjoy the emotional and psychological benefits of an exclusive relationship without offering any form of commitment - in the name of friendship.

 

I must mention that this kind of approach is most familiar with church guys. And what I find ironic is that, the guys who are quite frank about their intentions from the onset are usually the random guys. Which is puzzling because shouldn't the saved guys be the honest ones, the safer bets from lying and cheating scoundrels that are out there? What ever happened to praying and asking God to for the right woman? What ever happened to seeking Christ to order and direct their steps? What ever happened to enquiring from the Lord? What ever happened to trusting God to reveal Eve? Why do they have to move from one girl to the other - searching - when they can simply ask? An example from the Bible which is a replica of seeking for a wife the godly way can be noted. In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his eldest servant to find Isaac a wife amongst his kinsmen – the Canaanites. When the servant reaches the city gates, scripture says in verse 11, “And he made his camels to kneel down outside the city by a well of water at the time of the evening when women go out to draw water.” It continues to state in the following verses, “And he said, O Lord, God of my master Abraham, I pray You, cause me to meet with good success today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. See, I Stand here by the well of water, and the daughters of men of the city are coming to draw water. And let it be so that the girl to whom I say, I pray you, let your jar that I may drink, and she replies,  Drink, and I will give your camels drink also – let her be the one whom You have selected and appointed and indicated for your servant Isaac [to be a wife to him]…” Verse 15 notes, “Before he had finished speaking, behold out came Rebekah… 16 articulates, “And the girl was beautiful and attractive, chaste and modest, and unmarried…”

From this scripture we learn that, 1) The servant prayed and asked for the success of his quest from the Lord. 2) He made clear the specifications of the woman’s qualities in which he would be able to distinguish her from the other young women. 3) He asked the Lord that overall, He should be the one to select, indicate and appoint the lass. 4) As he had asked, God granted him and gave him the best. She was beautiful, attractive, chaste, modest and unmarried. In the process, I do not recall anywhere in the scripture where it mentions the number of women the servant had to interview in order for him to get to the right one – Rebekah. Scripture says before he even finished praying, behold the right one came along (who did exactly what he had asked from God). What does this mean? Men do not have to go through a series of women in order for them to discover the right one. The reason they are busy searching is because they are not praying. They are using worldly perception, mind-set and reasoning instead of relying upon the Lord.

 

To protect and guard oneself from falling into the trap of being part of "The review list" at the expense of one's time, effort, feelings and emotions - there are a number of things that one can do to arm themselves:

1)         Guard you heart. Protect your heart from false romance which normally unfolds in the name of friendship. It is easy to find yourself entangled in mini love situations whereby you open your heart to a person whom his level of commitment to you, you are not sure about - just because the ‘signs’ are there. What signs? Until a guy says something to you, it doesn’t mean anything. No matter how REAL the signs may be; he loves the Lord, preaches fire, has all the qualities you are praying for, has the same interests as you, decent, handsome, you talk every day, you’re the first person he calls when something happens in his life – good or bad, you have been friends for years, your parents know him and he knows your parents and etcetera. Guard your heart! Remember: Until he says anything to you that CLEARLY suggests a love relationship, do not even go there.

 

2)         Express yourself. When a guy comes up to you and befriends you with no clear intention, simply express yourself (do not be afraid). Tell him where you are, what friendship is to you, whether you are for the idea of a boy-girl friendship, whether you are comfortable with it and the boundaries. Make it clear where you stand with such matters. Do not assume that he knows or he’ll get it. So that if he is coming with his fishing agenda (reviewing tendencies), you quickly detect him and give him the boot (a golden one at that).

 

3)         Ask about the intention.  If you see the friendship taking a different turn, getting serious without anyone saying anything; ask about where it is going or the intention. So that you know exactly where he stands before building castles in your head, thinking you’re the next Mrs Johnson when in actual fact, he has his eye on someone else becoming Mrs Johnson.  

 

4)         Make up your mind. Be very intentional on whom you allow into your life. Not just every guy should have a piece of you (in friendship) just because it is permissible.  Am not saying shy away from guys and close yourself off. Talk to them, hang out (as the Spirit leads), love them as your brothers but just know where the buck stops. If you cannot handle it all together then, you might as well stay away - for your own good.

 

This is to say, we need to be wise with the kind of friendships we allow with the opposite sex. Let intentions be clear so that there are no misunderstandings and unnecessary heartbreaks. No one prides themself in getting hurt or being heart-broken. We all have fragile hearts, therefore it is best especially as children of God to stop with the second guessing games, “let’s see if you are the one” games, no! Let’s keep it real, honest, and godly. The world should be learning from us on how to do things the right way... Let us guard our hearts...

 

Much love, be blessed.

 

 

YOLO

I remember the first time I saw this acronym; I thought to myself, “What is up with this YOLO-ing everybody seems to be going on about?” Then I decided to google it (thank God for google). Lo and behold, it was revealed unto me (my “Owwwww, I knew that” moment) that it simply meant You Only Live Once! (If you also didn’t have the slightest clue on what it could have meant, now you know) And indeed, I agree with this statement – you only have one life to live.

I do wonder who came up with it and the reason behind its radical reinforcement. Maybe they were lying on their death bed realizing all the opportunities they had in life which were never seized or were tired of moping about life and its hurdles – deciding to take it as it is and living in each moment, making the best of each or it was simply a random thought on how to get the masses hyped up about a truth that is usually taken for granted in excuse to live recklessly and squander days in the name of fun and excitement. One can only wonder. But amid all the possible reasons as to whom facilitated its existence and why, it can be used to positively impact lives and change mind-sets.

 

I was thinking the other day, in reading Bonang Mathebas’ success story; about the unending opportunities that one has access to – to be whatever they want to be and to achieve anything they hope to achieve. Success is not dependent on your environment, what you have or do not have and your circumstances but on you – what you make out of yourself. Her story conveys the virtues of hard-work, perseverance, believing in oneself, making the most of what you have no matter how small and most importantly doing what you love – what you are passionate about. She is where she is today (young as she is) not because she had some magic formula but because she is living her life to the fullest and capitalizing on every opportunity that comes her way.  What is success anyway? According to the oxford dictionary (the definition I like) it is, “the achievement of an aim or purpose.” It is not necessarily having money and fame (though it comes with it most times but not always); it is living life exploring every dimension of your potential, gifts and talents, not being afraid to take risks (good ones at that) and reaching your optimum best – what we can summarily say: being the best that you can be in every level.    

Thinking about this made me ask myself a couple of questions like: what am I passionate about, am I working hard at the moment to achieve what I am hoping to achieve, do I believe in myself – that I can do anything I put my mind to and am I doing anything worth living for and pursuing. The disheartening truth is that time is of the essence. The time one has now they will not have tomorrow, neither will they get it back. Waiting for perfect moments to begin doing what you are passionate about or for opportunities to avail themselves only takes away the little time you have to fulfil your God-given purpose. My advice to me and you is: let it be now because we only have this life to live. There are no second chances in the afterlife. What you are unable to achieve now, here on earth, will never be achieved (by you). A few key principles in Proverbs that one can draw from:

1)          Before anything and everything else, surrender your dreams before God. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.” What we normally do, myself being guilty of this; we make plans and do things without surrendering them or enquiring about them before the Lord and when they do not work out, we blame God. Yet the Word notes that the submission of ones’ plans before the Lord is key to them succeeding and being established.

2)         Make the most of each season in your life. Whether you are studying, working, no job, single or married - make each season count. Do not waste that time complaining and doing just about nothing. Proverbs 12:11 states, “He who tills his land shall be satisfied with bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits is lacking in sense and is without understanding.” If you till your land; work hard, embrace God-given opportunities, persevere to achieve your God-given dreams then you shall be satisfied. Your life will have meaning and purpose. And in making the most of each season, make sure you are not following worthless pursuits – profitless pursuits.

3)         Do not be lazy. Most times it is easy to sit and get comfortable in one’s life; feeling no need for change or new endeavours because change and new endeavours demand risk – taking chances.  Proverbs 20:13 refutes laziness voicing out that, “Love not sleep, lest you come to poverty; open your eyes and you will be satisfied with bread.” Idleness breeds poverty and not essentially material or financial poverty but a kind of lack that engulfs almost every aspect of an individual’s life. Like the modern saying, “You snooze, you lose!” Get up and do something. From the little that you do, God will open more opportunities. YOU know what you are passionate about, YOU know what God is calling you to do, YOU best know your gifts and talents therefore get up and do something about it. Remember that the time you waste can never be regained; you only have one life to live.

4)         Do not let your life be grown over with thorns and nettles. If you get comfortable being at the same place in life - not seeking to strive for more, the purpose that God has called you to will soon subside into the background. Other issues of life will surface and suffocate the visionary in you, the dreamer in you or the believer in you. Proverbs 24:30-31 reads, “I went by the field of the lazy man, and by the vineyard of the man of void understanding; And, behold, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles were covering its face, and its stone wall was broken down.” Strive for more!

 

You only have one life to live, (we are not privileged enough to have seven lives like cats) therefore live it well. Live it with vigour, determination, strength, wisdom and courage. Exhaust all you can within you because you do not have another life to save it for. Be the extraordinary you.

Much love, be blessed.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is in your hand?

Most of us have heard of the saying, “If you wait for the perfect conditions, you will never start” over and over. Living in the future tense is a psychological impediment that easily thwarts one from appreciating and living life as it comes. It creates an illusion that the future is better than the present thus causing one to long for the future whilst living in the present – denying themselves of the opportunities and blessings that come with the present. “When I finally ‘Make it’ then I will be happy,” “When I have money then I will do this,” “When God blesses me with a job then I can do that,” then I will, then I will and then I will. These are the kind of thoughts that gallivant through one’s mind in belief that the season that seems out of reach but yet possible is the epitome of one’s happiness.

 

Looking at the story of Moses in Exodus; Moses is called by God to deliver the children of Israel from the enslaving hand of Pharaoh but he lays excuses before God on how he is not an eloquent speaker and how the children of Israel would not believe that he was sent by God. Exodus 4:2 says “Then the Lord said to him, what is in your hand? A staff he replied.” Verse 17 continues, “And you shall take this rod in your hand with which you shall work the signs [that prove I sent you].” From this verse we see that God uses the rod/staff that Moses was carrying (to shepherd his father-in-laws’ flock) as a signage for the Israelites and Pharaoh to believe that indeed he was sent by God. What can be gleaned from this passage is that God can use the least expected avenues, experiences in one’s life to fulfil a particular purpose.

 

The tendency to seek after what we do not have instead of using what has been made available to us by God baulks our chances of living to our maximum potential. We constantly live from a place of when I get this, when I become this, when I have that, when I reach that place then it will be easier, then life will be better…We become so used to complaining about things that we always find fault with our lives, ourselves, our environment, surroundings, and the seasons we go through in life - to the point where we end up forfeiting the blessings that are meant to come with that season or that particular time of our lives.

 

Instead of going before God and saying here is my life, here is my situation, here are my gifts and talents use them for Your glory; we boisterously make affront comments and remarks before the Lord, pleading with Him to make life better and to move us to the next season because the current one sucks. The truth is (I have come to learn) there is always hidden treasure in every encounter, situation or season. No experience goes wasted before the Lord lest we allow it to. The constant chase for one experience after the next not only robs one of encountering the manifestation of God’s power but it lends one in an unappreciative state of life itself. For example you pray; “I want to go to varsity.” You get to varsity and find that varsity is not as easy as you anticipated it to be – you pray to finish the degree as soon you can because you just can’t stand being in varsity anymore, and guess what, you do finish. Now that you have finished your degree you need a job. You start complaining to God about how you’re tired of staying at home having no money, etcetera and etcetera. Then you get the job, only to find that it’s not the kind of environment you expected and your boss is not the best boss in the whole world, then what? You complain again? Lord I need another job? You see the pattern.  Or here is another one. You get out of varsity still single, start working still single, then you start complaining to God about how everyone is getting married except you. Then God gives you a husband, only for you to realize that he is not the prince charming you thought he was – he is a human being, and he has flaws. What’s next? You again complaining to God, oh! Lord but this husband… I mean the complaining never stops! When do you get to appreciate anything?  

 

My question to you is: what is in your hand today? What season are you going through or what experience are you dreading to live through in your life at the moment? My advice to you: give it to God. God will use the very least that you’d expect good to come out from to display His splendour, greatness, signs and wonders in your life. The little that God has blessed you with – use it to glorify Him. Do not wait for perfect conditions to live your life, to be a blessing to someone, to explore, to live bountifully in His presence. Start now! Because perfect conditions are never perfect anyway – there is always imperfection in perfection. Let go of what is in your hand, whether it be a talent, gift, dream, vision, situation and let God use it to create a meaningful and fulfilling life for you. Stop saying, “If only I was this,” “If only I had money,” “If only I was eloquent (just like Moses said)” “If only I was fortunate enough,” “If only I had a job,” “If only I was married,” “If only, if only, if only!” Start living in the now. God has given you enough to sustain you at this very moment – He can take the little that you have and turn it into a testimony just like he turned Moses’ ordinary rod/staff into a rod of miracles and wonders. All you have to do is stop complaining about what you don’t have or what you can never be and appreciate what God has placed in your hand at the very present.

 

Much love, be blessed.