1. He
should be tall, dark & handsome, 2. A doctor 3. Drive a jeep, 4. Live in
the suburbs, 5. Money should be his second language, 6. Must be charming, 7.
Romantic, 8… the list is endless. This is the infamous list women are normally
condemned for making reference to when looking for a husband. Some say it is
overambitious, some attest to its impracticality and some do not believe in it.
It has caused quite a stir in the ‘dating world’, women being accused of having
unrealistic expectations for men which is said to contribute as one of the
reasons why women may find themselves single.
Is it wrong
though to have expectations? I most certainly do not think so. We have
expectations all the time which can be translated as goals, aspirations,
dreams, values and principles we live by and achieve each day. So why the fuss
about expectations a woman should have for a man she hopes to marry one day?
Are they really overambitious, unrealistic and impractical? In our modern day
career language, we understand that in order to be considered for a particular
position at work; one has to meet certain requirements or criterion. There are
certain skills and attributes that the job usually requires which align with
the nature of the job. And the higher the rank of job position, the more
intense the expectations will be. As it is with job requirements and specifics
for a particular position, so it is with husband criterion.
1 Timothy
3:1-7 stipulates, “Now a bishop (superintendent, overseer) must give no grounds for
accusation but must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, circumspect and
temperate and self-controlled; [he must be] sensible and well behaved and
dignified and lead an orderly (disciplined) life [he must be] hospitable
[showing love for and being a friend to the believers, especially strangers or
foreigners, and be a capable and qualified teacher]. Not given to wine, not
combative but gentle and considerate, not quarrelsome but forbearing and
peaceful and not a lover of money [insatiable for wealth and ready to obtain it
by questionable means]. He must rule his own household well, keeping his
children under control, with true dignity, commanding their respect in every
way and keeping them respectful. For if a man does not know how to rule his own
household, how is he to take care of the church of God? He must not be a new
convert, or he may [develop a beclouded and stupid state of mind] as a result
of pride [be blinded by conceit, and] fall into condemnation that the devil
[once] did. Furthermore, he must have a good reputation and be well thought of
by those outside [the church], lest he become involved in slander and incur
reproach and fall into the devil’s trap.” Even God has a criterion for
the kind of man that is to become an overseer of a church. Not just anybody can
take on the position but one with the specific qualities stated above. Now, if
God has standards, doesn’t that mean we also ought to have them - according to
his standards of course? It does, but the mistake we often make is: applying
worldly standards (which are often driven by egocentrism) to fill in godly responsibilities
- using worldly criterion for God-inspired duties which can only be rightly accomplished
by using Godly measure. Becoming a husband is a God-inspired responsibility
which can only be rightfully owned or taken by imploring godly criterion.
With that
being said, having a list is not the issue – it is what is on the list that is
the issue. 1Timothy 3:1-7 (the scripture quoted above) is a good example of
what to look for in a husband, though it may be addressing overseers of a
church it also applies to husbands as they are overseers of their households. Ok,
so now you have your expectations in place then what? Go hunting for the man
& do the check list? NO. What do you do then? Live, and love life? Yes. But
most importantly WORK ON YOURSELF! Having expectations that you yourself cannot
meet is rather cumbersome and selfish. Why does the other person have to be a
90% if you’re a 50% and not even making an effort to gain the 40% to become a
90%? What you expect, you should become first. Sometimes we get too caught up
in, “I want a husband like this,” “who will do this for me,” “who would have
achieved this,” forgetting that we too have a mandate to become the women that
will meet the criterion of a wife that God has set for men in His word. God has
set standards way beyond physical appearance and outside beauty (which is what
we normally invest in most of the time). Like I have mentioned before, looking
good is great, I love it too – it is one of a woman’s strong capabilities to
express who she is but what is on the outside should match the inside because
what is on the inside is a true expression of who you really are.
Proverbs 31:10-31
woman we all know. But how many of us are working towards becoming her? I would
love to quote the scripture word for word but I will just highlight the virtues
and characteristics I have gleaned from the passage. A proverbs 31 woman is wise,
dependable, hard-working, takes initiative, kind, compassionate, trustworthy,
bold, an investor, business-oriented, hands on, courageous, a co-leader and
most importantly fears the Lord. These are not just adjectives to
describe the ideal woman but they are certified actions; actions that show
wisdom, kindness, compassion, boldness, business-mindedness etc. Quoting from
some of the verses: She works with her hands in delight, she brings her food from afar, she
rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions
to her maidens, she considers a field and buys it, her lamp does not go out at
night, she extends her hand to the poor, she makes linen garments and sells
them… I mean this woman sounds like superwoman. But that is the kind of
woman God has called every woman to become.
The
beautiful thing is: as you concentrate on becoming the right woman for the
right man, the right man will notice the rightness you are aspiring towards
achieving. It is of course not by ones’ might, power nor strength but by the
spirit of God that one is able to become what God has called them to be - especially
in the times we’re living in whereby the principles of the word of God are
tainted by worldly standards driven by money, fame, fortune, status, greed,
vanity and attachment to mundane things. Focusing on working on yourself does
not mean you discard the expectations you have for a husband, it means you have
expectations with the understanding that your potential husband will also have
expectations. If yours are high understand that the one you’re looking for; his
are also high so you best start working on yourself. If you want the best, you have to
become the best yourself!
So ladies,
let’s get on the wagon to becoming “The Next Proverbs 31 Women.” Do not dare be
left behind because this wagon is off to the land of 1Timothy 3:1-7 men.
Much love, be blessed.
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