For the longest time, we
have entered into relationships ignorantly and unequipped thinking that
survival is inherent and not planned or decided. Feelings and emotions are not
enough to sustain a relationship because they change and as it has been said
before choosing to love a person – the act of love is what determines your
level of commitment and probability of the relationship surviving. This notion
of choosing to love a person has come with an incomplete manual as it does not
reveal in what conditions you choose to love. Do you choose to love in all
conditions or choose those that suite your personal attributes, needs, beliefs,
goals & aspirations? For a moment, this sounds rather selfish and for most,
the default answer would be; “to love in all conditions.” Well, if we were
talking about loving thy ‘neighbour’ as yourself or loving thy brethren it
would be fitting but in this case we’re talking about a commitment between two
people that potentially leads them into a life long covenant (marriage). The
consequences of possibly getting it wrong have detrimental irreversible effects.
Proverbs 4:7 connotes that
wisdom is the principal thing. Verse 6 says, “Do not forsake wisdom, and she
will protect you, love her and she will love over you.” Sometimes what
we lack is simply the wisdom of God. When it comes to the issue of
relationships, we become so blinded by ‘love’ whereby we forsake wisdom;
forsaking her hand of rebuke, her words of “watch out”, her voice of “don’t go
there” and her instruction of “stay out of it, it’s not worth it”. Some of the
things we need to watch out for in relationships are made so obvious to us by the
Spirit of God - His wisdom but somehow we always find a way to overlook and
justify them. There are a number of questions that one needs to ask before
entering a relationship or if one is already in a relationship; question about
the relationship.
1) Is your potential partner or already partner born again? 2 Corinthians 6:14
posits, “Do not be equally yoked together with unbelievers. For what do
righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have
with darkness?” Yes, that’s the comparison the bible makes; light and
darkness but even though the bible states it so clear that we are not to yoke
ourselves with unbelievers, we still do and surprisingly make excuses for it.
An unbeliever is a person who does not live the life of complete submission to
the authority of Christ. Going to church is one thing, living the life of
covenant with God is another - which is what being a believer is. The most
familiar excuse for this one is playing the Good Samaritan in the relationship –
hoping to convert a brother or sister by dragging them to church. Let me tell
you now, it may have worked for others but you cannot guarantee it will work
for you especially when you know deep down your heart that God does not approve
of you being in that relationship.
2) Does the relationship draw you closer to God? A relationship that
compromises your spiritual growth and purity is not worth it. Amos 3:3
indicates, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” You cannot
walk with a person that is spiritually cold or luke-warm and expect to continue
being spiritually acuate; because who they are will likely dampen your zeal and
passion to live upright in pursuing the things of God. If you’re in a
relationship, let it be a two-way contribution whereby both of you become
spiritual assets in each other’s walk. If you find yourself compromising the
word of God to please your partner then you might want to consider leaving the
relationship, for what good will it be for you to gain ‘love’ and lose your
soul? (Matthew 16:26)
3) Do you always give more than what you get from the relationship?
Now
we’re getting real. Yes, love is patient, kind, selfless, is not proud and all
the beautiful things in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, but it has to be mutual in the
case of a relationship. Some relationships just serve to drain the other
individual; emotionally, physically, socially, financially etc. You find that
one partner puts in all the energy, time and effort to make the relationship work and
the other just sits there waiting to receive. Do not be deceived into thinking
that the more you put in, the more they will realize how much you love them.
Such people are usually ungrateful and always want more but are never willing to
give out anything. Save yourself the heartache and look for the fire escape (exit).
Love should be selfless from both parties involved and not lopsided.
4) Is there mutual respect? Touchy subject. In a case of being
friends first (which is what is required) there is always the risk of crossing
respect boundaries as you become comfortable with each other. As gathered, men
interpret respect to be love and for ladies, well, quality time, provision
etc. are interpreted as being loved. This though does not mean women do not
value respect too. To respect is being able to listen to the other, being
sensitive to their needs, esteeming who they are along with what matters to
them the most, taking them seriously and trusting them enough to let them be
themselves. If a person cannot show respect in the early stages of your
commitment then nothing will change in marriage, instead it gets worse. Hoping
that they change will not solve the issue. You speak it out, if your partner
really cares they will listen and do something about it but if not then reconsider.
TO BE CONTINUED...
If you are in a
relationship or considering one, these are some of the factors that you need to
ponder upon using the wisdom of God. Do not plunge into unyielding
relationships in the name of love. Use the wisdom of God, use His spirit to
discern what is good, what is of God and what will glorify & honour Him.
Much love, be blessed.
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