“Do not forsake her, and
she will protect you, love her and she will love over you… Esteem her, and she
will exalt you; embrace her and she will honour you. She will set a garland of
grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendour…” Proverbs
4:6,8,9. She has the qualities of a woman but is not a woman, have any idea who
or what this verse is referring to? Wisdom.
In the previous article, I
made reference to wisdom as key in choosing our relationships; highlighting
questions or issues that should not be overlooked in the process. Four were
mentioned and they are: 1) Is the potential partner or already partner born
again? 2) Does the relationship draw one closer to God? 3) Does one always give more than what they
get from the relationship 4) Is there mutual respect? This week’s article will be a continuation
from the previous article (as promised).
Continuing on the
questions that one should ask before entering a relationship or about a
relationship, if already in one:
5) What is the motive for pursuing the relationship? Sometimes the pursuit of a
relationship is not because of mutual compatibility but due to pressures of
family, time, loneliness, friends etc. In other cases it may not be pressure
but reasons of money, social status, desperation etc. Such motives lack in
sustaining a relationship as they are founded more on self rather than on love,
growth, maturity of both parties in the relationship. So, do sit down and
evaluate the real reason you want to get married. If it happens to be a selfish
one then take it to Christ, tell Him exactly how you feel and He’ll offer you
the antidote.
6) Is there communication? Communication is not a one way
process whereby it requires the other to listen to your views but it is a two
way process whereby you do not only express your views to be heard but also listen
to the other person’s views. Communication requires listening. In this case,
you have to assess whether you are both able to listen to each other. Listening
is not necessarily lending an ear but it is also about initiating a significant
response. Most people think when you talk about communicating, it is with
reference to major issues like money, goals, aspirations; not really. It is
actually about the little things that you may think are insignificant but
could influence the state of the relationship, like being a person of your word,
paying attention to what the other person likes and doesn’t like, responding to
their requests and being open - transparent.
7)
Does this person complement your future goals and aspirations?
This
is very important. Does this person you hope to spend the rest of your life
with share the same aspirations as you or not necessarily share the same
aspirations but support them? If they are totally opposite the spectrum of
where you envision yourself in the future then there is a possibility you might
end up frustrated in the long run. They do not necessarily have to be as
passionate as you are about your aspirations, goals and dreams but their
support and a bit of know how can go a long way. Someone who is totally
clueless about what you love to do and neither makes the effort to find out and
show support; may just not be for you.
8) Are they overly possessive? Possessive people are suffocating on
every level; spiritually, physically, mentally, financially, etc. Such people
normally take away what you are to replace it with what they think you should
be, in order for them to accept you. They dismantle your self-esteem making you
dependent on them for the approval of self. Usually, they tell you what do to,
where to go, where not to go, who to be friends with, what to wear, how to
look, basically how to live your life (like all along you didn’t know…). If you
encounter such a situation, it is best to refrain early because such
relationships are said to be addictive. A person who does not allow you to be
yourself does not love you, period! It does not matter how you may justify it.
They are only using the relationship to relieve their insecurities.
9) Do you feel the need to change them? This one is different from
possessiveness as it is about being dissatisfied with who a person is in hope
that they will change. There is the tendency to think that one can groom their partner especially when they feel the person falls short in some areas of (for
example) character, appearance, manners, being, etc. Truth is; it never works. It
is either, it frustrates the changer if the change does not occur the way they’re
hoping it to occur, or the person to be changed gets frustrated by the attempts
being made to change them. If you are not satisfied with who a person is and find
it hard to love them as they are; let them go. Do not tag them along with the
intention of changing them because it will not work. Love a person for who they
are not for what you hope them to be.
10) Are you aware of their strengths and weaknesses? Being aware of a person’s
weaknesses and strengths helps prevent any shock waves and unexpected surprises
in the future. It enables you to calculate whether you will be able to live
with this person’s weaknesses - covering them in love whilst also complementing
their strengths. A person’s weaknesses are not there for you to lay bare but
for you to cover as a loving future husband or wife. If you calculate the cost
and happen to forecast a loss that you cannot recover (just like in accounting)
then it is best to consider things early, avoiding the risk of hurting the
other person in the future. Don’t worry about them, God will either continue
fixing them or will bless them with someone who will find what you thought to
be a risk - a blessing and what you thought to be weaknesses - strengths.
In highlighting these factors,
it does not mean that the one may be better than the other. It just means that use the
wisdom of God to discern what is God’s best for you as you pursue a relationship
that is to honour God. “Esteem her, and
she will exalt you; embrace her and she will honour you. She will set a garland
of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendour.” That is
wisdom. She will protect you from getting into the wrong relationship which
will not only break your heart but bring distress and bitterness. If you esteem
her, she will order your steps into a righteous path of green pastures. I pray
that the wisdom of God may overflow upon you as you wait upon the Lord and as
you seek guidance on how to go about in your relationships. She is yours to
take…
Special thanks to Pastor
Bimbo Odukoya’s book titled “How to choose a life partner, 165 questions to
ask.” The questions were extracted from the 165 questions and they were chosen
on the basis of importance. To note though: the content with reference to the
questions is personal. If you would love to read more on what questions to ask,
well, you can purchase her book. (It is all the way from Nigeriaoooh, yep! We taking
it back to Nigeria!)
Much love, be blessed.
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