The Singleness Stigma

“1 universe, 8 planets, 192 countries, 180 497 islands, 85 seas, 7 billion people and you are still single… LOL poor you.” This is a Facebook status update that caught my attention in a newspaper article that I happened to read. This is the era we living in; an era of “I need someone by side” “I need someone to love me” “I can’t be alone” “I have to have someone in my life.” Which made me question if everyone is meant to be in a relationship just because one can easily be in one or because one has found a person whom they can journey with into marriage with the purpose of discovering life together and living it?

Relationships have been idealized in our modern-day culture to the point where they seem to have lost purpose and meaning. This culture says “As long as you have someone to love you then you are ok” and “you are accepted” if the contrary applies then this culture says “why are you single?” “find ‘love’ a.s.a.p” “how are you surviving on your own?” “Poor you”, which results in most people opting to be in relationships and staying in them with no insightful intention - to avoid being stigmatized for choosing to be alone.  Being alone takes guts; it needs you to be willing to stand despite the daily pressures of succumbing to purposeless love quests. I say purposeless because for most, the intention to be in a relationship is to enjoy the comfort of having someone’s attention which affirms one’s level of acceptance; basically feeding off from a relationship to feel secure, loved, accepted and worth it.

According to 1 John 3:16, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” From what is mentioned in the above paragraph, it contradicts the true nature of love. If a person gets into a relationship for personal gain (wanting to be loved, needing to feel secure, longing for acceptance) then that is not love. Love is about sacrificing You for the person you so love instead of you needing to be loved, accepted and needing to feel secure - you sacrifice yourself to make the other person feel loved, accepted and secure. Truth is; most relationships are based on selfish motives – “as long as they make me happy”, “as long as they cater to my needs” and “as long as they love me” then I am happy. And really, to an extent we cannot blame people for thinking that way because that is what we are regurgitating from secular media. Forgetting that secular media is not the author of love but God is, and if God is the author then He surely knows the right way to go about loving.

Differing from the belief of sympathizing with single individuals; there are premium advantages that come with this season, despite the fact that it is viewed as a midlife crisis that needs a rescuer.  At this stage of life; one is able to cut through the clutter, do some introspection, evaluate things and focus on what matters the most. In this process, one goes through a self-discovery journey which allows them to understand who they are, giving God the time and attention to reveal whom and what He has called them and ordained them to be (purpose). One may argue that God can do that even when one is in a relationship but I will dispute that as it depends with the nature of the relationship one is in. If it is a godly relationship then yes. By godly relationship I mean one that not only puts Jesus Christ at the centre of everything but also allows both parties to draw closer to Christ in their relationship.

Being single allows one to invest in themselves; taking the time to know themselves, love themselves, believe in themselves, dream for themselves and establish themselves holistically – psychologically, emotionally, financially, socially, materially etc. In loving yourself, you will know how to love the next person. Mark 12:31 posits that “Love your neighbour as yourself...” Meaning that as you love yourself, love another. Logic is: you cannot love another if you (yourself) are clueless on how to love you. Most of us think we know how to love ourselves but shockingly if we reflect on the Author of love’s version of love then our version is a misfit. Summarily His version commands: respect yourself, value yourself, honour your body, dress modestly and carry yourself with honour and dignity like a Queen because you are heavenly royalty. When you understand this truth, apply it and live in it then you will realize that you are meant to respect your neighbour, to value them, to honour their body, to treat them with honour and dignity, etc. Your neighbour could be anyone including a partner in a relationship.

The single life also awards one the time to grow in their relationship with Christ without any hindrances. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says “And the unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord’s affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit...” This is not say that in a relationship you do not have the opportunity to so, you do as long as both of you in the relationship are in one accord in seeking Christ and doing His will. Amos 3:3 questions, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” You have to agree in order to walk together; if you do not then it will be hard to keep in sync. So if both your hearts are focused on the Lord then it will be easy to pursue Christ and grow in Christ through the relationship.

  

Having someone to love is a beautiful thing; this is not to dispute that. But it is important to understand that having that person should not be propagated by the pressure to be with someone because the world says so. Be with someone because you have grown in love and understand that God wants you to be a blessing in someone else’s life by you “laying down your life for them” (you understand the purpose of being in that relationship). Being single is also a beautiful thing; because it allows you to grow and mature in love so that when the time comes to love; you understand the responsibility and implications that come with it. So to whomever that thinks being Single is a sad case; the single life is a process that prepares an individual for a future union ordained by God to display His glory and honour. The wise respect and appreciate it because they understand that the principles and values learnt from being single come a long way; it is more or less like investing in the future.

Much love, be blessed.